my careless contagion

I have thought a lot about divorce over the past several years. I have wrestled with the concept, actually. I hate divorce, though, concerning my divorce, I felt I had no other recourse. It's like cutting off your leg to save your life. This blog was deployed to help me navigate my divorce, yet I didn't write much about it. My suffering was too much, too deep, and too personal to share. But am I destined to hobble about the rest of my life?  I sought my God heavily before, during, and after my divorce. Malachi 2 :16 seems a straightforward verse concerning divorce, though this article caused me to rethink that. In fact, this article was about the closest I've come to how my conversations with God went before, during, and after my divorce. I felt God accepted my reasoning and desire to end my marriage and consented to it. I felt released from my marriage for Biblical reasons. I never felt judged or that I was wrong. But that didn't stop the carnage in my soul — t...

They say you can judge the real power of a man by the size of the smile of the woman next to him. And I see you beaming as you approach him. It's your wedding day. You're more beautiful than I remember.  I'm so glad (and apprehensive) you invited me to your wedding. To see your man's hands tremble slightly as you walk your floating-on-air way of walking to him, your eyes locked, it's so special and so perfect.  As he says his vows, I hear a little tremble in his voice. There is excitement, but there is also a wall of emotion pushing against his vocal cords; it's rivulets of feeling I hear. I can tell he loves you, but so much bigger than that. He knows he's found a precious thing in you, and he is more than ready to say that word "forever," even though we all know there is no such thing. Standing where I am, I see you blushing. Even your ears have turned red. There is a rushing in you, too, that begs to meet his rushing. When you're al...

Little kids seem to go through phases. I don’t know much about phases little girls go through, since I don’t have a girl, but I’m pretty sure one of the girl phases involves unicorns. Little boys, on the other hand, I know. Although I don’t remember much about my childhood, I’m pretty sure I was a little boy once upon a time.  What were my obsessions in the 1970s, ’80s, and perhaps the beginning of the ’90s? Taking things apart, for starters. One of my earliest memories is of taking apart dandelion flower heads in my backyard. I tried to take apart my dad’s easy chair, too, slicing into the pleather handrest to see what was inside. He did not appreciate that much, as I recall. I had a severe obsession with LEGO blocks which persisted beyond puberty. My brothers’ habit of destroying my cities when I wasn’t looking didn’t deter me either. It just gave me more to work on, ensuring many more hours would be spent fiddling with my make-believe world. ...

"For a meaning of the name Isaiah, NOBSE Study Bible Name List reads  Yahweh Is Salvation , Jones' Dictionary of Old Testament Proper Names has  Salvation Of The Lord . A remarkable feature of the name Isaiah is that it consists of the same two elements as the name  Joshua ( יהושע ). The name Joshua is the Hebrew form of the Greek name Jesus, and most probably the name by which Jesus the  Nazarene  was known by His contemporaries." What's in a name? Plenty. When Saul was on the road to Damascus and Jesus turned him around, He also changed his name. To Paul. Why? Saul means "destroyer," and Paul means "builder," which is a fitting thing considering his missions before and after Jesus spoke to him. Before Jesus spoke to him, his mission was to destroy the fledgling church of Christ, and God changed his mission to build the church of Christ. How many times in the Bible did God tell someone to name their child such and such a name? Why wou...

My parents spent the last two months in Florida. Every time they come back, I'm filled with dread. It's hard to explain. Perhaps this article can speak for me.  They come back, and I try to find a place to hide. But there is nowhere to hide. I even had a dream the day after they came back that I was a fugitive and they couldn't find me. No one could find me. I simply ran away and hid.  I can't explain to most people what it was like growing up in my house. They don't have the ability to understand. And, yes, I know memories are not always to be trusted. But the feeling I get when I see someone is something I can trust. And with them, it's fear and loathing. This should not be.  As the above article states, it's best to sever all ties with narcissistic parents. They cannot change. This has become one of the biggest reasons why I don't want to live here anymore. That's sad.  There are some things other people will never understand. They...

Today, Feb. 8, marks two years since I divorced the woman with whom I spent more than 20 years of my life. That's hard to fathom. I once read that most people who divorce remarry within two years. That's even harder to fathom, though I admit it probably would have been a healthier path for me. Two years ago, I got to find out what it was like to destroy the person who meant the most to me in my pitiful life. It was about as much fun as it sounds.  Clearly, I misjudged myself going into my divorce. Someone with my particular psychology and background should not move ahead with a divorce without more support than what I had. My baseline state is so much lower than most people, I simply could not bounce back from my divorce. I don't have the same chemicals in my brain that most people have. It's like I started 6 feet underground and then went further down, all the while trying to get back to the same level that most inhabit aboveground. My divorce was extraordinarily...

On and off I’ve been talking to someone who used to be a counselor. They have mentioned quite a few times I should try to figure out my attachment style. It sounded like yet another psychological mumbo jumbo thing, so I didn’t. A recent conversation changed my mind. The question I asked them was, “When a man has a background of childhood abuse/childhood sexual abuse, how does that affect his adult relationships,” which led them to suggest a video about attachment styles. So, I watched it, bored as hell. But, the last attachment style sounded really familiar. It was fearful-avoidant. It’s sort of a push-pull style. It's wanting intimacy but not being able to have it. I’ve decided to let a couple of articles do the talking. The first one lists some of the signs of this style, of which I have many. The page cuts off, but that’s the main thing I wanted to show.  The second one is geared more toward helping an individual with this style and those ...