my careless contagion

Freedom winds its way around me in the wild wind. It boldly makes its way in the dark and starry nights. It saunters in the moonlight and howls for all those prisoners safe in their homes. There is freedom out there, boys, but it's not here in all this noise. Here, we are slaves and demigods. Out there are heroes and gods.  The trees are free to feel, but they cannot go. They spend their entire lives sucking dirt, holding tight, weathering storms and bugs and blight. Their strength is in staying. I admire them, but I am not like them. My strength is in going. Always going. Always gone. Always somewhere else.  Staring at this night, I can feel it calling me. Staring down this road, I can feel the pull. There is a wildness in me. For the first time in more than 20 years, I am free, utterly free. I have no master. I have no maid. I have no fear and no rules and no reason to stay. I am as free as the wind that blows right by me.  I can love that woman and ...

*This song is clearly about the end of a relationship and the effects of that on the children. This is very much where my mind goes at this moment. My son is trying hard to not let any of this affect him, what's happening in his world. I knew there would be a price to pay for leaving my wife, but I never wanted my son to pay that price. He's trying so hard to be strong. I know his world is in turmoil. Even though I feel like he's been taken care of in amazing ways, I still can't help but feel shattered by what he's going through. When he goes to bed, I'm not there to say goodnight. When he cries out for me in the night, I am not there. When he wakes in the morning, I'm nowhere to be found.  When he's sick, what comfort am I?  My son, what have I done to you?* Precious and fragile things Need special handling My God what have we done to You? We always try to share The tenderest of care Now look what we have put You through Things get damage...

Walking from empty room to empty room I feel the full weight of what I've wrought bearing down on me Walking that lonely trail brought tears to my eyes there's a last time for everything and a last time for us Remember when we walked together our son on my back down these same paths? he ate his first wild raspberries here and shared them with us This place saw us come and bid us farewell it remains but we have changed for "we" are no more My heart is broken my eyes have endless tears for the measure of our lives together here This house held us together for these three years.

*It's one of those questions that I've thought about for so many years. The last five years have led me to this moment when I'm finding out the answer. For all of my words, so many lines of them, that I've written. For all of my prayers, all of my thoughts. I still don't have the answer. All I see, as the song says, is oblivion. Just a different kind of oblivion.* I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore Before you take a swing I wonder what are we fighting for When I say out loud I want to get out of this I wonder  is  there anything I'm going to miss I wonder how it's going to be When you don't know me How's it going to be When you're sure I'm not there How's it going to be When there's no one there to talk to Between you and me Cause I don't care How's it going to be, How's it going to be Where we used to laugh There's a shouting match Sharp a...